


Don't Hug Me, I'm a Collection of Inanimate Stories

by after0112



Category: Don't Hug Me I'm Scared (Webseries)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Normal Life, Drabble Collection, Gen, Multi, One Shot Collection
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2018-06-06
Packaged: 2019-05-18 12:53:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14853140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/after0112/pseuds/after0112
Summary: really you should've figured that you can't touch things that aren't real, let alone hug them.(not beta read)





	1. We All Scream for Ice Cream

**Author's Note:**

> alternate title: two socially awkward men have to be helped along by a mad woman and a child
> 
> just a nice note here: i refer to the characters as their fan names because its easier for me.  
> so harry, robin, manny, sketch, tony, colin, shrig, larry for the lamp guy  
> then the food crew are sparrow (spinach, a girl), matt (mr. meat), and fred (the fridge guy)  
> and i'd imagine if i had the bread boy in here he'd be brandon or briar
> 
> these also probably won't be connected to each other so yeet
> 
> featuring harry as the newspaper layout guy, manny as a fifth grader, robin as the guy embarrassed by his coworker, and sketch as said embarrassing coworker who's takes things a little too seriously
> 
> also sorry for any mistakes i try my best

"Harry, Harry! Ice cream parlor?"

Harry, who was drifting off to sleep on a nearby bench from where Manny was playing, lifts his head. "Hm?"

"I asked to go to the ice cream parlor?" Manny laughs, seemingly in a better mood than he was two seconds ago, somehow. Maybe he was amused by how tired Harry's been for the past few hours.

"Ah, uh, yeah. Put your toys in your bag and we'll start over there." Harry stands up and stretches, holding back a yawn. He didn't get a lot of sleep last night, solely for the reason that he was sorting out the final proceedings on next week's paper layout. Hopefully his boss wouldn't care too much that the lines weren't even in some places. 

"Okay, cleaned, time to go get ice cream!" Manny cheered, and reached his hand out in a grabbing motion towards Harry. Harry, still charmed by the fact that Manny still likes holding adults' hands, takes it and walks with him. 

The ice cream parlor isn't very far from the park they were in, just a block or two. Walking down the main street was always oddly comforting to Harry, given the warm smells drifting out of the bakery and the distant sound of the water moving around in the lake. He would often sit around and format papers by the lake on the beach area. The only mildly annoying part of the beach was the sand he'd have to scrub out of his shoes afterward.

Coming up on the ice cream parlor, Harry realized Manny had asked him a question. "Sorry Manny, could you repeat that please? I've been distracted by little things today."

"I asked if I could get three scoops today...?" Manny trailed off slightly on his question, and Harry held back a snort. That was the tone of voice he used when he was trying to be nice to get something.

"Hm... if you do your homework as soon as we get home, then yes."

"Deal!" Manny cheers, accepting Harry's bargaining. They step into the parlor and Manny starts mumbling to himself about the best combination of scoop flavors.

Harry breathes out a silent laugh at Manny's mumbling, considering he'll just get three vanilla scoops anyways. As he steps up to get in line, Manny skips up in front of him and tells him his typical order. Harry nods, and takes Manny's hand again when motioned at. 

Looking up to see what he'd want on the menu (if anything), a flash of green catches Harry's attention. Looking over at the cashier, he notices the cashier has green dyed hair and oddly, his skin had a pale greenish tint to it. On his neck he wears an orange and yellow scarf, oddly thick looking for such warm weather. He has a beanie on his head, and occasionally tugs on it. 

The cashier turns his head mildly, and seems to catch attention of Harry. To prevent an issue, Harry quickly looks away and back up at the menu. He scans it over once, decides there's nothing he wants, then sneaks at glance at the cashier. 

He's still looking at him. Their eyes meet and almost immediately they look away from each other. Harry feels a blush coming on, and rubs at the back of his neck in some attempt at making it go down. 

When he looks down, Manny is looking at him with a knowing look. "What...?" In response to his question, Manny giggles a little.

"Someone has a cruuuuush...!" He giggles some more, and the mention of the word crush brings Harry's blush back up.

"No I don't... you can't really call looking at somone a crush."

"You can call it that if you look at them and study them for more than two minutes," Manny giggles, and Harry lightly hits his shoulder. "Maybe you should ask for his number, hm...?" Harry looks down at him and pokes his nose.

"Alright mister, no more late night TV for you." Harry wonders what he would be watching to put that idea in his head.

Harry ends up stealing glances at the cashier a few other times, catching the cashier looking at him a few times as well. He gets flustered very easily is what Harry observes from waiting in line.

Manny keeps sending him sneaky looks. Harry bops him on the nose every other look. Manny just giggles.

When it's their time to order, Harry finds himself stuttering a little. The cashier doesn't seem to mind very much, and smiles through his order while he shakily writes it down.

Manny waves at the cashier when they leave to get a table, and sends Harry another look. Harry hits him lightly again on their way to a booth. 

While they're waiting for the ice cream to arrive, Manny begins rambling about how vanilla ice cream is the best kind and that Harry should try it at some point. Harry reminds him that he has had vanilla ice cream before, he just doesn't like a lot of cold things. Manny pouts a little at that, but otherwise twiddles his thumbs with a smile on his face. 

A few moments later, a woman with white hair comes up to them with Manny's ice cream. "Alright kiddo, here's three scoops fresh out of the ice cream machine! Enjoy it!" She briefly looks over at Harry, seems to realize something, and smiles. The smile is oddly mischievous, and vaguely reminds him of the one Manny was sending him earlier. 

She leans toward Manny and asks, "Hey, do you wanna know a secret?" to which Manny excitedly nods at. Harry watches warily as she leans down to whisper in his ear. Manny begins to smile widely, which causes Harry to relax a little. When she leans back up, they giggle a little, and she walks away.

"So, what was the secret?" Harry asks. Manny just shakes his head with that same smile on his face.

"Well, I can't tell you, it's a SECRET!" Manny giggles, and Harry snorts softly.

Manny finishes his ice cream at some point, and they wait on the check. Harry's eyes wander back over to the cashier, who leans against the counter in assumable relief over the line being gone. Harry feels another blush come up his neck, and awkwardly pats at his neck in a futile attempt to get it to go down.

Manny seems to be right. He does seem to have a crush.

The waitress comes back and gives Manny a piece of paper and a pencil, along with the bill. "Alright, here's your bill!" She pushes the bill toward Harry. "And would you like to write your name on this paper so we can enter it into a raffle for a free scoop?"

Manny looks toward Harry, who nods slightly, and writes his name on the paper. The two smile mischievously at each other, and she waits around for payment. 

Harry hands her his credit card, and she bounds off with it, coming back with it and a coupon for 15 percent off. Harry thanks her, and she wishes them a good night after ruffling Manny's hair playfully. 

On their way out, the cashier seems to be speaking to the waitress in a very flustered manner. She only smiles and pats him on the shoulder.

"Can I see the coupon?" Manny asks. Harry hands it to him and lets him read over it while they walk home. 

About halfway home, Manny very casually and suspiciously mentions, "Oh hey, there's a string of numbers on this."

Harry snorts. "Manny, coupons usually have strings of numbers on them."

Manny looks partially offended. "Well, I knew that! I meant there's a string of numbers written in green on it."

Harry lifts an eyebrow at Manny and motions for him to give it to him. Manny hands it over, smiling suspiciously.

Upon further inspection, there seems to be a rushed drawing of a cash register and a phone number in what looks to be green crayon on the coupon.

Harry looks down and narrows his eyes at Manny, who walks next to him, whistling and looking around like he's guilty of something. 

"Manny."

Manny looks over at him innocently. "Hm?"

"Why is there a phone number on this coupon."

Manny puts on a show of fake shock, which could be convincing if Harry didn't already know that there was something going on. "Is there? I didn't realize!"

Harry sighs and looks back down at the coupon.

Looking down at it and examining the hand writing tells him the cashier didn't write it himself, as these numbers are written steadily and not shakily. That leaves the culprit of the writing to be the waitress.

"How did you get the waitress to write his number down?" Harry asks slowly. 

"Remember the secret she told me?"

"No, you never told me it. How could I remember it."

Manny narrows his eyes. "Ha ha. Amyway, the secret was that the cashier liked you too. She asked me if I wanted to help her get his number to you."

"Oh."

Harry has to admit, that was sneaky of her.

Looking down at the coupon again, Harry feels another blush coming up on him. He doesn't really try to fight it this time, seeing as they're almost home.

"So..." Manny starts, and Harry cuts him off.

"Yes, I'll text him."

Manny nods, as if that was a given. "I was gonna ask if I'm in trouble for this."

"Oh." Harry thinks about it for a little. "No, I suppose not."

Manny pumps his fist when he thinks Harry can't see him. Harry snorts softly.

 

Later, when Manny's asleep and Harry's had a shower, he digs the coupon out. Staring at it for a little bit, he picks up his phone and inputs the number.

 

hello?

Oh. Sketch got the number across

i should hope so, or else im hallucinating someone responding

Ha ha!

so

Ah, right, I'm the one who wanted to talk aren't I? 

you dont have to

?

when is your lunch break

Oh, 12:30

alright. there's a cafe across the street if you wanna start talking there

Ah! That would be nice

alright. so tomorrow

If that works

alright

Great!

never got your name

Oh, it's Robin!

harry. goodnight robin

Ah, goodnight Harry!

 

With that out of the way, Harry puts aside the phone and begins to plan out his schedule for tomorrow. With the conversation with Robin fresh in his mind, Harry drifts off to sleep with thoughts of tomorrow in his head.


	2. Okay, But What If...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alternatively titled "harry go to sleep you big doof"
> 
> prompt: "it's three in the morning"
> 
> featuring red as the insomniac boyfriend who tries too hard the make a good conspiracy theory and robin as the boyfriend who just wants some damn sleep

A loud ringing noise is what startles Robin from his sleep. Robin sits straight up in the bed and almost screams.

A moment later he realizes it's just his phone. Did he set an alarm too early on accident?

Reaching over to the bedside table, Robin picks up the phone to turn it off. He stops short when he realizes it's a call. 

With a groan, he answers it. "...Hello?"

"What if Obama was Washington in disguise." Is what comes out of the phone in a rushed monotone.

Robin pauses for a second. Then, groggily,"What?"

"What if the Earth actually is flat but we see flat objects as three dimensional and vice versa."

Robin makes an attempt at deciphering who the voice is, and has a pretty good guess. "...Harry?"

"What if we're all in a collective coma somehow and when we die we get out of it."

Robin groans. "Harry."

"What if the Emoji Movie is our future."

"Harry."

"What if I'm not real but I just think I am."

"Harry, it's three in the morning."

"What if sunglasses are slowly making us blind."

Robin sighs. "Harry, have you slept yet?"

There's silence on the other end. "No."

Robin sighs again. "Go to sleep please. I'm not dealing with a large grumpy man in the morning."

"Can't sleep."

"You have medicine for that?"

"Not working."

Robin furrows his eyebrows. "Well that's just worrying."

"I'll be fine."

"No? You won't?"

There's shuffling on the other end. "Fine, I'm laying down."

Robin hums in response. "Are your eyes closed?"

"...They are now."

Robin rolls his eyes. "Do you want me to stay on the line until I hear snoring?"

"...please."

Robin smiles to himself. "Alright. Try to sleep, darling."

"Alright..." It seems Robin being on the phone helps a little, as he hears a yawn from Harry's end.

"See, you're tired. You CAN sleep if you try."

Harry hums lightly in response. Robin closes his eyes.

"...robin."

"Yes?"

"I love you," Harry says sleepily.

Robin smiles. "I love you too, darling."

A few moments later, soft snoring comes from the phone. Robin pauses and listens to it, then hangs up the phone. 

"I need to set him up with a doctor's appointment soon..."

Robin rambles himself to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> harry's got a bunch of problems with sleeping and robin has a nice soothing voice for him to listen to


	3. Protect the Innocent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alternatively titled "guys stop swearing in front of the baby" or "guys im not a baby i know what swears are"
> 
> featuring robin and harry as protective parents, manny as a frustrated fifth grader, and tony and sketch as the people who just want to swear please

"Ah!" 

Finally finding the book he was looking for, Tony wipes the dust off of it. He places the book down on the top step of the step ladder and leans back to stretch.

He realizes a little too late that he probably shouldn't be leaning back on stepladders. He falls and hits the desk behind him with a thump.

"Ah! Shit!" Tony hisses, hands coming up to rub at the back of his head. He looks around when he hears a gasp in the vicinity.

Right. There were other people in the study.

Looking over to the bean bag chairs, Robin is leaning over to cover Manny's ears. "Tony! What are you doing?!"

Tony, using the desk to get up, glares at the green headed man. "Well it's not like I MEANT to fall, you ass!"

Robin gasps again, covering Manny's ears a little tighter. "Not a lot of people fall on purpose, Tony! I meant why are you swearing!?"

Tony looks at him for a moment, puzzled. "Because I needed an exclamation of pain...?"

Robin huffs irritably. "Tony, there are children in the vicinity!"

"So?"

Robin seems even more irritated. "You. Don't. Swear. In Front. Of children!"

Tony sighs in a bit of frustration. "Why not? It's not like it'll permanently affect them."

Robin glares at him. "We don't swear in front of children, idiot!"

Tony sighs and gives up. "I still don't understand why, but whatever." He takes his book and leaves the study.

Manny, very confused, gently pries Robin's hands off his ears. "What was that all about?"

Robin just sighs, and turns back to Manny's homework. "Nothing important."

Manny sighs.

 

 

"Has anyone seen my new pack of brushes?" Sketch calls out while she enters the kitchen.

"No."

"Nope, sorry!"

"Damn. I swear I put them in he-- Harry, what are you doing?" Sketch interrupts herself when she sees Harry cupping his hands over Manny's ears.

"Protecting Manny from your horrible mouth."

Sketch gasps in indignation. "My horrible mouth?! What are you talking about, my mouth is perfectly fine!"

Harry rolls his eyes. "I meant your use of a swear word."

Sketch raises an eyebrow. "You mean the word damn?"

Harry nods, cupping his hands a little tighter around Manny's ears.

Sketch gets a devious smile on her face. Harry narrows his eyes. 

"Don't--"

"You mean words like shit, damn, fuck, and ass can't be spoken?!" she says in mock surprise. "However could I have known? Please, forgive me, oh merciful--"

"Alright, alright, that's enough," Harry says, as monotone as ever. He seems irritated though.

Sketch cackles and skips off, having forgot about her brushes.

Manny taps on Harry's hands lightly, causing him to let go. "Why?"

Harry raises an eyebrow. "Why what."

"Why do you guys keeping doing that?"

"No reason," Harry replies, going back to his reading. Manny sighs in frustration.

 

In the middle of Tony and Sketch having a small disagreement, it happens again. 

"Well, you stuck up ass, go fix a damn clock in peace!" Sketch declares, throwing a screwdriver halfheartedly at him.

Tony would've caught it, if it weren't for the movement from both Harry and Robin across the room distracting him. The tool hits him in the chest instead. Sketch snorts at his misfortune.

Looking across the room, it appears that both Harry and Robin each have a hand over one of Manny's ears. "Hm, seems they still don't want us to swear around the kid," Sketch notes. "Don't look at me like that Harry, I won't add more swear words." She cackles at the look said man sends her. 

Manny shoves both of their hands away from his ears. "Guys! I'm not a baby, I can handle swear words!" He snaps, slouching down on the couch.

"Ooh, he's getting fiesty!" Sketch whisper commentates to Tony. Tony snorts at her antics.

"We know Manny, we just don't like exposing you to them," Robin soothes, patting his shoulder. Manny rolls his eyes.

"It shouldn't matter though..." Manny grumbles. Harry and Robin share a glance.

"If it upsets you that much we'll try to stop," Harry says. Robin nods in confirmation.

Manny smiles a little. "...Okay." Robin pats his knee and Harry ruffles his hair.

"...Sooo, can we swear in front of him now?" Sketch asks, partially joking. Tony elbows her. 

The two men glare at her slightly, and Sketch cackles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> these guys are just trying their best let them live


End file.
